Realization.

I've realized that pretty much everything i tell everyone is a lie. I'm living a fucking lie. Like really. I make up stories to tell people to make them pity me, or to get attention. I don't really know. I have a loving boyfriend tp gives me plenty of attention, yet I try to ruin things. It all started the first time I fell in love. But, it was with a straight guy, and nothing ever actually happened. Yes, we were bestfriends for a while, but I made up stories of abuse, hate, fighting, love, passion, and of feelings I had never felt then. Then came Jake; for some reason I made up a lie about how I made out with some guy in a bathroom stall at the Maroon 5 concert. Why do I lie so much? I'm living a life that isn't real. I think I'm fucking crazy, but I don't know. Nobody actually knows me, I have a hard outer shell because I don't want to leak out my lies and get caught. I just want to start over. All new. no lies, no stories, no nothing. I have no idea why I hated Texas so muc when I was there. It was the chance of a lifetime, and now I'm stuck here. Sometimes I think of just leaving and getting a brand new identity. Making a new life for myself. But, I'll never do it. I don't have the balls. I'm a pussy. I talk so big, but I never go through with anything. But the only time I ever feel like I'll be actually able to do something like that is when I'm high. I love weed, so much. It is really the only time I ever feel like I'm happy now a days. I've tried Molly, but I don't know if it actually worked. I ay it did, but I can't tell. I had a blast either way, but I want to try it again but I'm afraid of being that one kid who OD's and dies. I can totally see that being me. I somehow grew the balls to snort that "hydro" Kelsey gave me, but I don't think it did anything. I really want to find steroids, I don't care if they make your dick small, mine is tiny already. I wanna be buff, and attractive, and actually wanted. I KNOW Chris loves me, but its not enough. I have no idea why. Am I like other people? Am I the only person that feels like this? I've fucked up my head so bad. My grades are slipping, I'm always tired and depressed, and all I do is smoke to escape it. It works, but not for long. And my life just keeps getting worse. I feel like if I lose Chris, it will only get worse. I feel like I'm screaming deep down within that I just want to tell evryone that everything I've ever said is pretty much a lie. Get it all off my chest for once. But I'll never do it. People will think of me as a freak, I miss beinf that nobody that everyone over looked. The ugly, fat kid that had like three friends. I miss that. If I could redo school I totally would. But, I'd be somehwere else. So I could have the opportunity to be someone better. My biggest hope on life is to actually make it somewhere, but I don't think I ever will. Deep down inside I really want to be famous. To be rich, known, live the party life, all the drugs and shit. An actor, a singer, it doesn't matter. But, I don't have the following; looks, talent, charisma, skill, money, ambition, so on and so forth. So, I shoot for one thing I USED to be good at; school. I'm aspiring to be an anesthesiologist. They make a shitload of moeny; I think the only reason I want to be one is for the money. Maybe I can buy happiness. 'Cause I haven't found much that has actually made me happy - maybe I have, I feel like my senses have been dulled, or plain old shot dead. I don't know what its like to feela nymore. I've desensitized myself from the world. Oh well, maybe I'll be one of those people who actually make it through this trip they call life. Maybe I won't, who the hell knows. I used to be a people person, but I don't feel like I am anymore. I mean, I want to tell people about this blog so they see that I'm actually just fucked up in the head but then again I don't because I don't want my life to change, nor people's views of me. I guess I'll get the fuck over it. Oh, and people wanting to fight me? Okay, I really don't want to fight. I act tough, but I don't like fighting. You can hate me all you want, that's your choice. I don't really care if you make fun of me, it doesn't affect me. The best way around your hate; growing the fuck up. Move the fuck on. Where is this going to be in 10 years? Oh yeah, in the past. So it won't fucking matter. It's not you standing up for what you believe in, it's you looking like a dumb ass, in my opinion. Oh well, it's just the opinion of a 16 year old faggot, so they don't have much value. What a shame.